'Workers use cable to lift a 6,000 ton South Korean ferry that sank nearly three years ago and killed more than 300 people from the sea, an emotional moment following one of the country's deadliest disasters.'
OK, it's not horrific. All the facts are there, but they ramble like a grocery list, with no thought to emphasis or importance. I understand there's a time constraint, but here's a re-write that took five minutes:
'In an emotional moment marking one of South Korea's major marine disasters, workers use cable to lift from the sea a 6,000 ton ferry that sank nearly three years ago, with more than 300 fatalities.'
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Back in the day, professional writers were birthed into the business with a whack on the ass and a copy of Strunk & White in their in-box. My guess is they don't give books away any more.
+JAK
1 comment:
Buttttt what about the sea people? What happened to them? Nice editing and a good post.
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